


The Death of Me

by bikai



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Aaron is gay in this fic, Alcoholic Guardians, Angst, Depression, Happy Ending, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, slight domestic violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 04:03:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11661234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bikai/pseuds/bikai
Summary: Aaron Burr grew up gay in a conservative, mentally abusive household.  He's gotten pretty good at hiding his feelings, being closeted all his life.Until he meets Alexander Hamilton.





	The Death of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Major tw for suicidal thoughts and actions (not really actions tho,,,Aaron stands on a roof and thinks about jumping for a while but Alex comes in at the right time), alcoholic guardians, emotionally/mentally abusive guardians,   
> IT HAS A HAPPY ENDING THO AARON GETS BETTER I SWEAR

Every once in awhile, there were times when Aaron Burr fell into such a state of self hate, he would begin to think about death. 

They didn't last long, and he only thought about death once or twice, and of course, he never acted on the thoughts. They happened usually around finals season, or whenever his uncle was giving him an unusually hard time about college. They always passed after a week or two, and Aaron fell back into his normal, stoic mood.

But the longest and worst of these usually week long depressions begin about three months after he met his third-year roommate, Alexander Hamilton. 

From the moment Alexander grabbed his arm in the quad when they'd first met, Aaron knew he was hopelessly, helplessly doomed. Growing up with an alcoholic, extremely conservative guardian like his uncle was hard enough on its own without a twelve year old Aaron starting to realize that he'd never had a crush on a girl in his life. With that revelation in mind, Aaron slowly started to realize that _shit_ , he might be gay. He'd pushed the feeling deep down and tried not to think about it as he made his way through high school with his head down and escaped to college. But Aaron was in for a surprise because his college was super diverse and _fuck_ , were the guys there hot. The LGBT+ club held frequent protests and public hearings all around campus, and the guys there were really starting to try Aaron’s self control by wearing sinfully tight jeans and tank tops and sometimes even _crop tops._

So when someone had asked him if he was Aaron Burr, and Aaron had turned to see a face that sent his heart in dizzying, ecstatic spin, he knew he was in for an awful, control testing ride. _‘You're really testing me up there, you big douche.’_ he'd telepathically told God at the moment. And it didn't help that everything about Alexander almost exactly matched each of Aaron's physical preferences. He wasn't that much shorter than Aaron, but he was definitely skinnier and he just looked smaller. It didn't help that he was wearing an oversized, faded green sweater and jeans that even though they were tight, they looked a little too baggy. He had a very nice face, with a strong jaw and high cheekbones, and big brown eyes that looked too fucking beautiful to be real. 

His hair was thrown into a messy bun but a few dark strands had fallen out to frame his face and he had a scruffy goatee that looked like it hadn't been shaved or even trimmed since it started to grow in. And even worse, he was staring at Aaron with adoration and curiosity in his wide eyes, and it all made Aaron want to grab that face and kiss those lips. He hated himself for wanting to kiss him without even knowing his name at that point.

He'd actually sworn out loud when he found out Alexander was going to be his roommate. He should have known better than to sign up for being an RA. He should have thought about his raging homosexuality and considered the possibility of a hot freshman immigrant as his roommate. But it seemed that the universe hated him even more than he hated himself.

And because of all those pent up emotions bubbling inside of him, all the horrible, heart wrenching pain he'd kept bottled up in his chest, the day and incident of Alexander's debate meeting seemed even worse to Aaron. 

He was on his way to pick Alex up from one of his debate meetings on a Friday afternoon with a friend of his. The leaves on the campus trees were just starting to turn beautiful shades of crimson and orange and gold and fall off the branches. The air was starting to grow colder, and on that Friday, the wind seemed to have an extra cold edge to it as they walked into the main building. James shivered and pulled his sweater tighter around him.

“Winter’s coming.” He mumbled bitterly as Aaron shut the door to keep the cold out. 

“Yeah. Are you staying in New York this year? Or are you and Thomas going back to Virginia?”

James shrugged as they walked towards the stairwell. “We haven't quite figured it out yet. We've actually started looking for apartments upstate for when we graduate. If we can find one soon, I’d love to move in before winter break.”

“That's good for you two, isn't it? Where are you looking?” Aaron looked over at him as they mounted the stairs, and smiled when he saw James flush and smile at the prospect of getting a place for just him and his boyfriend.

“Really just uptown as of now. Thomas doesn't like it as much as living in the center of the city, but I like it. It's quieter uptown.”

“That's cool, really that's good for you two.” Aaron nodded to himself and James smiled as they reached the second level. 

“Yeah, I think so too.”

They walked down the hall to the classroom in a comfortable silence, and Aaron winced when some kid opened the classroom door and he could already hear Alex yelling from inside. The student who opened the door happened to be Charles Lee, and he fixed Aaron with an accusing glare as the two of them approached.

“You seriously need to get your boyfriend under control, Burr.” He muttered as he held the door for the two of them. Aaron rolled his eyes, refraining from snapping at Lee and telling him Alex was not and would never be his boyfriend, and just followed James inside with his head ducked. 

Alexander was yelling across the room at Jefferson, who was standing there looking unimaginably bored with his arms crossed. James sighed and walked over to his boyfriend as Aaron walked over to Alex. He grabbed Alex's arm but he surprisingly yanked his arm away from him, sending him a glare which stung more than he wanted to admit.

“Jefferson, you wouldn't know anything about hard work! You've spent your entire life with a silver spoon in your mouth, sitting up in an ivory courthouse in Virginia!” Alex started to move across the room towards him but Aaron stuck out an arm and stopped him. Jefferson scoffed and grabbed his backpack from the table, feigning indifference.

“Just because I grew up with more money than you, Hamilton, doesn't mean I value hard work any less than you do. I’m simply telling you the truth, even if you work hard, where is someone like you going to get enough money to start a club?” Jefferson smirked and his boyfriend shook his head and frowned.

Alex’s face turned bright red and Aaron had to put both hands on his shoulders and push him away from the Virginian. Alex turned on him then, shoving Aaron off harshly and making him stumble.

“Would you just _fuck_ off, Burr?”

Aaron's heart twisted painfully in his chest. 

“Hamilton, just calm down, you're really fired up right now-”

“And why do you care?” Alex snatched his own bag from his chair as James and Thomas gave them a wide berth, aware of the tension between the two. “Why do you care if I’m fired up? You don't, Burr, because the only person you care about is yourself.”

_Oh_ , but only if Alexander knew. If only he knew about the nights where Aaron stewed in self hate rather than sleeping. If only he knew about the way Aaron's heart flipped each time Alexander laughed or smiled. If only he knew that the last person Aaron cared about was himself.

“You don't need to pretend you care Burr, you're not fooling anyone.” Alexander continued and Aaron's heart kept reassuring himself that he was only saying these things out of anger - that Alex didn't mean any of it - but Aaron's mind was smarter than his heart. Unfortunately. “You don't have to come in here all high and mighty and pretend you give two shits about anyone or anything. _Selfish prick_.” 

The last two words went straight through his heart like bullets and once again, his heart told him that bullets aren't as bad as bombs - but his mind told him that bullets could kill, just like bombs could. Alex slung his bag over his shoulder, and Aaron didn't even realize that his hand was in his own bag, grasping the envelope firmly in his hands. The envelope he had been so excited to give Alexander - just so he could see his face light up and his grin overtake his face - but now, after those two words, only hurt him.

He took his hand out of the bag and held the white envelope out to Alexander, watching as Alex stopped mid-turn and looked at it strangely. He looked back up at Aaron and raised an eyebrow.

“Here. It's for you.”

Alexander rolled his eyes, making Aaron's heart twist and writhe in agony, but took the envelope from his hand. 

“Washington said I should wait until there was even an opening for a club to give it to you, but I figure now would be a good time.” 

Alexander looked up at him, shocked, and tore open the envelope and ripped out the slip of paper inside. 

A check for one thousand dollars, written out to Alexander Hamilton. From Aaron Burr.

Alexander stared at it with wide eyes and parted lips, and then ran a hand through his hair. He smiled and laughed a little, and Aaron despised the way it still made his heart swell. He looked up at Aaron quickly, then back down at the check in his hands. 

“Who-...” He started and then lost his breath all over again. “Who-”

“I did.”

Alexander looked up at him again, eyes even wider but his smile gone. 

“I donated the money.” Aaron said again and shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat, not wanting Alex to see how much they were shaking. “Pretty selfish, huh?” 

Alex gaped as he looked down at the check again. Off to the side, Aaron faintly heard Jefferson whisper ‘damn’ under his breath.

“Burr, I-I didn't mean to-”

“No, I get it.” Aaron held up a hand. He didn't want to hear the excuses. “You grew up with no help from anyone. You got into this school without any help, you did it all on your own. So whenever someone offers you the tiniest bit of help, you take it as an insult.”

Alex tried to interrupt but Aaron silenced him with a glare.

“But you need to learn that accepting help does not make you weak, Alex. You need to learn that the people who offer you help are the same people who really care about you.” 

Alex gaped at him, his mouth opening and closing as he grappled for words. 

“So the next time you're going to try to change this school all on your own, the next time you _need_ someone to help you, someone who will _listen_ instead of shutting your ideas down?” Through all of this, Aaron had been moving closer and closer to his roommate, and by now, their chests were almost touching. Alex stared up at him, looking slightly afraid, slightly pleading, and Aaron felt his heart break with despair yet swell with anger.

“Don't come to me.”

Alexa mouth dropped a little further in shock and Aaron looked down at the check in his hands before ultimately stepping away. The room was too quiet and his footsteps seemed too loud. 

“You're on your own, Alexander.” He adjusted the strap of his bag higher up on his shoulder and smiled, surprising himself. “Which is just how you like it, right?”

He didn't wait for Alex to respond before he spun on his heel and walked briskly out of the room. He took the elevator down this time, needing a precious moment to smack his head into the metal wall alone. The air outside cut into his skin as if the wind was made of icy knives and swept up into his coat, making him shudder as the fall wind shook him to his core.

It was only when he had walked all the way back to his building, locked himself in the cramped dorm bathroom, sat down in the bathtub behind the shower curtain, did he begin to cry.

 

Alexander started up the Migrant Students’ Club about a week and a half later. People from all over the campus came to the first meeting, thanks to the general idea of the club and the fact that it was sponsored by a Burr. Alex hesitantly invited Aaron to come to the first meeting, but Aaron declined, saying he was swamped with papers and exams to study for. Alex didn't push the subject and left Aaron alone after that.

It did so well in fact that a few members decided to host a party dedicated to the riveting new club and its founder. Aaron didn't plan on going, but once again, the universe hated him. It was the afternoon of the party - which was being held at one of the members’ parents house - and Alex had just walked into their dorm room as Aaron finished up some class work. Alex put the coffee pot on and tapped his fingers against the counter as he waited. After a couple minutes, he cleared his throat, making Aaron look at him from his one-person bed. 

“So, uh, listen.” Alex turned to him and folded his arms across his chest, looking nervous. Aaron panicked a little, thinking Alex was going to bring up what happened at his last debate meeting. “There's gonna be this...party tonight, um, to celebrate the club. And,” a deep breath here, “I was wondering if you would like to come with me?”

The two stared at eachother for a moment, Aaron's heart doing ecstatic backflips in his chest. “Are you asking me out on a date, Alexander?” Aaron did his best to keep the excitement out of his voice and face, telling himself that it was just a common thing to invite your roommate to a party.

“No! No, no, _God_ no, sorry.”

Aaron's heart finally stopped its ceaseless backflips as his mood dropped at Alexander's immediate strong reaction to the prospect of a date with Aaron Burr. Aaron mentally kicked himself for getting his hopes up, asking himself repeatedly - _‘Why would he ever ask you out? He hates you, Aaron, and you hate him. He's not impressed with you, why would he be? It's impossible for him to like you, it always will be.’._

Unfortunately, the word ‘impossible’ only stoked the flames of love and desire that burned endlessly in Aaron's chest. 

“No, uh, not a date. It’s just-...um, the guys and I are all going together, and I was just wondering if you would want to tag along?” Alex looked at him anxiously, and Aaron hated the way his face kind of caved with his anxiety. He wanted to see that face light up again.

“Burr, you totally don't have to go if you-”

“I'll come.” Aaron nodded and looked away from those eyes and back down to his schoolwork.

“You-...wait, really? You'll come to the party?” 

When Aaron looked back up, Alex was smiling again, his eyes crinkling beautifully. Aaron swallowed. “Yeah, it'll be fun.”

“Cool! Cool, that'll be...that'll be great, Burr, thanks.”

“Don't mention it.” Aaron glanced back up again, then quickly looked back down when his eyes met Alex's. “I probably won't stay long though. You know, a lot of schoolwork to do.”

“Right! Right, of course, stay as long as you want.”

The rest of their time together passed in silence, with Alex drinking his coffee quickly in the kitchenette and Aaron just reading and rereading this one page because no matter how many times he looked at the words, his mind kept conjuring up the image of Alex's smile and his eyes. Eventually, Alex left again, muttering something about having to prepare for the party, leaving Aaron alone with his awful feelings.

He flopped back down against his pillow and groaned as he stared up at the ceiling. Roommates asked each other to parties all the time. It wasn't a big deal. Alex was just trying to get more people to come. It wasn't a big deal. There was nothing special about their relationship at all, there never would be. It wasn't a big deal.

Aaron's ever-swelling feelings toward Alexander were impossible and horrible.

But it was no big deal.

 

What did people wear to college parties?

Aaron stood in front of the closet for a good ten minutes trying to decide what he would wear. It was casual right? Maybe just a t-shirt and jeans? Aaron didn't quite care. But then again, Alex was going to be there, so maybe Aaron did care a little. Or maybe he cared a lot. He kept telling himself it was not a date, and that he had no right to be worrying over what he should wear, but he couldn't help himself. He ended up grabbing a tight pair of black jeans and a light blue button up.

As he rolled the sleeves up to his elbows in the mirror, he wondered briefly if this was what a straight guy would wear. He buttoned his shirt up all the way and was about to grab a tie when he stopped himself. A tie would be too formal. He unbuttoned the top few buttons, exposing his collarbone. Too revealing? Again, _is this how a heterosexual man dresses?_ The jeans made his ass look good, but did it look too good? 

Aaron said fuck it and left the dorm. 

 

Turns out, he had been so occupied by the fact that Alex wanted to take him to a party that Aaron completely forgot how much he hated college parties.

From the second he walked in and was pushed out of the way by some drunk senior, his mind was telling him to retreat. The music was horribly loud, which wasn't a surprise since he could hear it from the street, and the whole house had the sticky smell of alcohol and overpowering cologne. He desperately hoped he could find Alex soon say he could say hi and then leave. He couldn't possibly walk out without even saying hello and make Alex think he had just ditched him. So instead he blindly made his way through the crowd of students, mumbling excuses and apologies, trying his best to be as small as possible. 

He came to the living room, where everyone was dancing, and quickly backtracked, not wanting to be caught in the sea of grinding, sweaty bodies.

_‘Unless Alex and him were two of those grinding, sweaty bodies.’_

He pushed the jarring thought out of his mind and was about to turn away when someone grabbed his arm. He whirled around and was caught between sweet relief and bitter disappointment when he found it wasn't Alexander. 

“Aaron! I thought that was you!” Maria smiled up at him and let go of his arm as he relaxed. “When Alex said you were coming I have to say I didn't believe him.”

“Yeah,” Aaron straightened out his button up and looked around, “I can't really believe I’m here either.”

She laughed, her smile taking up her face. “I guess you could say you'd go great lengths for him, wouldn't you?” She gave him a knowing look that made him panic slightly, but he cleared his throat and played it off with a tight smile.

“Come on,” she said and looped their arms together, “Alex has been looking for you.”

She pulled him away from the makeshift dance floor and over into a big, modern kitchen. There were shots going on at the dining table and a pizza box laid out, but Aaron didn't have the appetite for alcohol or greasy junk food. Lafayette was sitting on top of the granite counter holding a red plastic cup and talking to John Laurens, another one of Alex's friends. Alex was leaning up against the counter with a beer can in his hand, and he looked over and looked eyes with Aaron as the two approached.

“I found him!” Maria chimed as she pulled Aaron over to the three boys. Lafayette raised his cup as she let go of Aaron's arm and pushed him towards the group, and John waved in acknowledgment. Alex smiled and came over to stand right next to him. 

_‘I swear to God, Aaron, be cool, just be cool.’_

“I was beginning to think you’d skipped out on me.” Alex bumped his shoulder into Aaron's playfully and smirked, and that crooked smile got Aaron's heart racing more than he wanted to admit.

“No, of course not.” Aaron smiled back tightly, trying to seem casual, but it came out sounding forced and Aaron winced. Alex took notice, his shoulders dropped a little and he looked away across the kitchen. 

“So, Burr.” John turned to him, leaning up against the counter as Lafayette hopped off the counter and walked over to the dining table.   
“Never took you for a college party kind of guy.” 

Aaron shrugged, unsure of what to say. Could he even suggest he only came because of Alex? He had a feeling that would start an uproar through their - Alex's - friend group. 

“We have all kinds of alcohol over here, Burr.” Lafayette called from the table and Aaron turned towards him. “What do you feel like having? Vodka, scotch? Whiskey?” Aaron frowned a little, and Lafayette shrugged nonchalantly. “Not a whiskey man? I see, what about _pinot grigio?_ ”

Laf held up a bottle of white wine and raised an eyebrow. Aaron smiled gratefully but raised a hand.

“No thanks, I'm not drinking tonight.”

“I call bullshit.” John chimed and grabbed a can of beer from the bucket of ice on the counter and tossed it to Aaron. He caught it quickly, surprising himself. “Take a fuckin’ sip, babes.” He grinned and Aaron rolled his eyes but popped open the can. He would probably need some alcohol in his system if he were to make it through the night. 

Hercules came stomping into the kitchen, looking less than happy and grabbed the bottle of vodka from the dining table and unscrewed the bottle. Then, with all five of their eyes on him, he filled the red plastic cup up to the rim with vodka. Lafayette made a shocked face and looked around at all of them. 

“You...okay, bud?” Alex looked at him strangely as Hercules, without hesitation, took a gulp out of the cup. He breathed out heavily and wiped his mouth before setting the cup down on the counter.

“Someone broke the pool table.” He spoke grimly, and they all looked around at each other.

“Oh. Shit.” John bit his lip in an effort not to smile. Aaron looked at Alex strangely and he explained.

“Hercules was put in charge to look after the house by the guy who lives here.”

“He's gonna have my ass for this.” Hercules looked down at the ground, nodding to himself.

“Okay, but how do you break a pool table?” Maria looked at John and grinned, obviously more amused than empathetic for Herc.

“My question is why did he put Hercules in charge of looking after the house?” John laughed and looked over at Herc as he took another sip of vodka. 

“Yeah, why'd they put the guy who backflipped off a roof into a hot tub in charge?” Alex smiled as his three friends laughed at the memory. Hercules shook as his head and was about to take another sip of vodka when Lafayette took it from him and smiled fondly as he set it down out of Herc’s reach. 

“Not to even mention the fact that there are like eight couples having sex in the upstairs bedrooms.” Hercules rubbed his hands over his face, and Aaron hadn't ever mentally connected to a person more in his life. “I'm serious you guys, I'm ninety percent positive there's a full on orgy going on up there.”

“Sweet Jesus.” Aaron sighed and took a long sip of his beer. 

“Sounds like your kinda party, Alex.” John smirked even wider when Alex scoffed and rolled his eyes, his face flushing. 

“Hard pass, John.”

“What about you, Burr?”

All eyes on him.

“Harder pass.” He mumbled and took another sip as they all laughed. 

“So, Burr.” Maria cut in after the laughter had subsided, the mischievous smirk playing on her lips making Aaron more scared than he liked. “What's going on in the life of a prodigy?”

Again, all eyes on him. Don't fuck this up, Aaron, dear Jesus.

“Nothing much. I've been pretty occupied with school.”

‘ _Good, good, that's good, good job.’_  
“And the love life?”

_‘Fuck.’_

Aaron shrugged, inwardly breaking down. The air felt stuffy and the kitchen lights felt like spotlights on him. “Nope. No one as of now.”

“Not even anyone you're interested in?” John leaned forward and angled his head toward Alex, and Aaron had never wanted the ground to swallow him whole more in his life. He missed the glare John received from Alex.

“Nope. No one.” 

Lafayette hummed suspiciously and then grabbed Hercules’ abandoned cup of vodka and took a thoughtful sip. John leaned back and tutted.

“We need to get you hooked up, bro.”

Aaron took a long sip of his beer before responding. “I appreciate it, but I’m quite fine on my own.”

“Aw, but who are you going to have sex with, Baby Burr?” Lafayette whined as he squirmed back into Hercules’ chest. Aaron felt his face grow hot and he offered a desperate chuckle in order to not seem too stiff. 

“I think I'll manage just fine on my own.”

“But Burr, sex is so good.” John whined from the counter and stuck out his lower lip. And maybe it was the beer in his system, maybe it was just the pressure, but what in Jesus H Christ possessed him to say those next words, he would never know.

“Well, maybe you should give me lessons then.”

Every single mouth in the room dropped.

_‘Wow. Aaron Burr, you gay bastard. Oh Christ.’_

“What?” Lafayette's voice was dripping with amusement and disbelief, and he burst into laughter a second later. John's split second shock had melted into utter amusement and he grinned widely at Aaron and laughed.

“Oh my God! Did you just make a sex joke?” Maria gaped and fanned herself wildly. “You! Aaron Burr! Just made a gay sex joke!”

“I’m impressed.” Alex stated simply and smiled at him, which made Aaron slightly proud of himself. But then the pride turned to a shame and he mentally kicked himself, because goddammit now they had to suspect something. Now they had to know that maybe Aaron Burr wasn't that really interested in girls. He swallowed down the shame and fear and tried to slow down his heart's frantic pulse.

“Yeah, Alex must be rubbing off on you.” John smiled, still laughing a little under his breath. Alex raised his hands in the air and smirked.

“Hey, if it’s a crime to make quality sex jokes, then consider me guilty.”

The next ten minutes or so passed by uneventfully, except for Hercules trying to keep people from doing too much property damage to this guy's house. A little while later, after Aaron finished his can of beer and everyone else was caught up in their own conversations, he threw his can in the recycling bin and excused himself; saying he needed the bathroom. 

He walked out of the kitchen and pushed through the crowd of people, slowly making his way over to the staircase. The air still felt thick and like it was trying to suffocate him, but it looked less crowded on the second level, so he mounted the stairs quickly. Sure it was less crowded, but that also meant it was more private. Almost every single door was closed except for one at the end of the hall and the bathroom, and Aaron tried to drown out the sound of muffled groans and sex noises coming from behind each door. Jesus, Hercules was right.

He walked into the door at the end of the hall and realized it was a bedroom, one with a floor to ceiling window and a balcony on the opposite side of the room. He looked at his reflection in the dark glass and sighed, shaking his head. What the hell was he doing here? He reached out and unlocked the glass door before sliding it open.

He stepped outside onto the balcony and breathed in the crisp night air. It woke him up a little, and Aaron realized there was no relief like the kind you felt when you can finally breath and feel properly again. He left the door open with a thought, which looking back on it, realized wasn't the best idea, and leaned up against the railing of the balcony. There was pool out back, but it was drained already and there was dirty rain water and dead leaves collecting in the bottom. It made quite the dismal sight with the night shadows being cast in and over it.

Aaron sighed as he looked down at it, then looked back up. He turned back around, and his eyes landed on the lip of the roof. It was just above eye level, but if he reached out his arms above him and grabbed hold, he could pull himself up. And without thinking…

That's exactly what he did.

He latched his hands on to the edge, adjusting his grip a couple times before he pushed off the wood planks of the balcony and pulled himself up. He tightened his biceps and lifted his leg up and crawled over the top. Before he knew quite what he had done, he was sitting on the shingled roof, the music still pounding through the house beneath him. If he strained his ears he could faintly make out the words. 

_‘Because the drugs never work, they’re gonna give you a smirk, ‘cause they got methods in keeping you clean.’_

Aaron sighed and stared down at the gray concrete of the empty pool. He walked along the edge of the roof carefully, away from the balcony, and looked down again. The wind blew coldly across the roof, sending a chill up his spine. He clenched his hands into fists as his eyes traveled from the pool to the ground directly below his spot on the roof. He pried his eyes away from the ground and looked up at the sky, the stars were beautiful tonight. 

Without realizing it, his eyes traveled to the ground below again. Very briefly, not even fully realizing what was going through his head, he wondered if this height would be enough to kill someone. He moved closer to the edge of the roof. The music pounded through the shingles below. He faintly realized it was a _My Chemical Romance_ song. He wondered how he knew that.

_‘Teenagers scare the livin’ shit outta me. They could care less as long as someone'll bleed.’_

The wind blew again, and the leafless trees swayed with it, scraping branches and screeching at the college student standing on the roof. He looked at them as a few leaves that had gathered in the gutter caught in the wind and blew skidding across the roof. He stared down at the night shadows cast across the dead brown grass and exhaled slowly. He swallowed. His throat felt dry. The wind blew again, swaying him, and he shivered. Without thinking…

“Burr!”

Aaron turned instantly towards the balcony, startled by the new voice interrupting his thoughts. Alexander was standing against the railing and looking up at him like he was insane. Aaron wondered why for a moment, then he realized it was probably because he had unconsciously lifted one foot and was holding it out over the edge of the roof. He looked down at his foot and then carefully brought it back down to the roof and took a step back.

“What the hell are you doing up there?” Alexander moved over to the edge of the railing and leaned out, his brow furrowed in something like concern. Aaron looked down at himself, wondering what had come over him. 

“Nothing. Nothing, I just needed to be alone for a second.”

“I...I think I’d feel better if you came back down to the balcony.” Alex looked up at him and Aaron watched his throat as he swallowed thickly. Aaron looked back out into the night again. He took several steps back and lowered himself to the floor of the roof and sat down. Alex stared at him for another minute before looking at the edge of the roof and licking his lips. He looked back up at Aaron and then took his hands out of his pockets and grabbed hold of the edge of the roof. With some effort and and a plethora of labored grunts, he rolled over onto the rooftop. 

Aaron watched as he crawled over to sit next to him. He sat surprisingly close, so close that Aaron could feel the heat radiating from his body and smell the alcohol on him. Aaron was caught between that delirious moment of wanting to lean in and pull away.

“It’s kinda cold up here, isn't it?”

Aaron shrugged, feeling slightly awkward at the proximity of the man who was the subject of almost all of his late night masturbation sessions.

“You'll get used to it.”

Alex shivered noticeably. “I don't think I’ll ever get used to winters up here.” He pulled his black cardigan tighter around him and oh God he squirmed closer to Aaron, and now they were hip to hip and shoulder to shoulder. Aaron wanted to wrap his arms around him and keep him warm, but he refrained, gritting his teeth and focusing his eyes on the shingles of the roof. 

It was silent for a few more moments, and when Aaron looked over at Alex he was looking up at the night sky. There was a small smile playing on his lips, and Aaron couldn't help but take this one moment to just adore him. His eyes traced the outline of his jaw, the curl of his lips and the curve of his nose that Alex had always drunkenly complained about being too big but that Aaron secretly loved so much. He looked at the deep pools of his brown eyes as they roamed the night sky, and the slight curve of the dark lashes Aaron had fallen so desperately in love with. 

Alex looked over and caught him staring, and grinned. Aaron cleared his throat and tore his eyes away, turning them to the bare trees.

“What?” Alex leaned forward and smiled to try and catch Aaron's eye again, but Aaron only shook his head. That wave of realization was starting to hit again. He shook his head at himself because no one could ever love him, and started to get up. 

“I should get going. I have a lot of work to do...you know.” He tried to step past him, but Alex grabbed his leg.

“Hey, wait!” The smile was gone from his lips as Aaron tried to shake him off. “Don't go just yet! It's not that cold up here, it was actually really nice.” 

“No, I should go, really it's not my place here.” Aaron shook his head again as Alex stood up and stared at him.

“Burr, it will always be your place here.” He grabbed Aaron's wrist and sighed. “I think it's time we talked about what happened.”

“No!” Aaron shook his head and yanked his arm away, starting to back away towards the balcony. “No, we don't have to talk about-”

“Yes we do, Burr.” Alexander grabbed both his wrists again and held them tight, his eyes piercing through Aaron's skin. None of this was fair. “You need to know that I’m sorry. I take back everything I said about you.”

“Thank you, Hamilton, really, you're forgiven.” Aaron tried to pull away but Alex pulled him closer, and with every passing second so close to Alex's face, Aaron could feel his control starting to slip. 

“No. I can tell I'm not forgiven, Burr, no one forgives that easily.”

“Well, I do, so-”

“No! Burr, please just let me make this up to you!” Alexander stepped in closer and now they were chest to chest and Aaron had never felt this helpless in his life. Alex licked his lips as he stared at him, it was something he did when he was nervous, that was all, nothing more, no ulterior motives than to calm his nerves. Why did it make Aaron's heart race? 

“Burr...what I said...I was angry, that's all. I never meant any of it, you're a great friend and…”

_‘You're just a friend, just a friend, just a friend justafriendjustafriendjusta-’_

“I was such an ass to you, Burr, but I really couldn't have made it here without you.” Alex finished and their eyes finally met. Aaron swallowed and glanced back towards the balcony. He needed to go, something bad was going to happen. 

“Thank you, Hamilton, y-you're forgiven, now I have to go.” Aaron tried to pull his wrists away but Alex wouldn't let go and instead pulled him back again. 

“Look, you have a right to hate me! But please forgive me, just this once, I swear I’ll leave you alone!”

“I do forgive you, okay? And I don't hate you, Hamilton, I never-” his feet stuttered on the roof tiles as he tried to leave again. The edge was _so_ close. This kid was going to be the death of him. The music from the party pounded louder than it ever had before, filling Aaron's head until he thought it would explode.

“I'm not letting you leave until you prove that you've forgiven me!”

“Wh-what?” Aaron looked back again, to the balcony, he needed to leave. “Hamilton, let me go.” He turned back and now Alex was closer than he ever had been, his face only centimeters away, so close Aaron could see every speck of gold in those brown eyes, every faint little freckle that dotted his skin. He couldn't look away, he didn't want to look away. 

The wind swirled around them and cut into their skin, and Alex pressed in closer, searching for warmth. Aaron wanted him. For once in his life, all he wanted to do was take. Every emotion, every repressed feeling and urge swelled up inside of him like an emotional tidal wave. The storm in the bottle was raging, and the glass was starting to shatter, the cork was starting to give, everything was starting to break. Aaron was falling in on himself. He was falling for Alex. _God help and forgive me._

With electricity buzzing in his veins, and the fire burning in his heart, he pulled his own wrists forward, yanked Alexander even closer to him and closed the final space between them. 

Time stopped. The wind stopped. The music even seemed to stop. The kiss lasted only a second, maybe even less, but time stopped enough for Aaron to feel Alex's mouth against his. It stopped long enough for him to feel the pleasant buzz that overtook his body. It stopped long enough for him to feel the wetness between Alex's parted lips, and even long enough for him to realize that if he pressed closer it would be a full on kiss. It stopped long enough for Aaron to feel the curve of Alex's chin that matched his.

Unfortunately, it also stopped long enough to feel the way Alex stiffened - in either disgust or shock, Aaron wouldn't know - as Aaron kissed him. It also stopped long enough that Aaron could feel it when Alex snapped his lips shut tight against his, shutting Aaron out. It also stopped long enough for Aaron to conjure up ideas of what would come next; images of Alex pushing him away or punching him. It also stopped long enough for Aaron to realize that Alex was one of the most well known people on campus and he could ruin Aaron's life with just a pen and paper. Alex could write about this on their website, the news would spread to his uncle and bam, tuition gone.

What had he done?

He pulled away quickly and stepped back, his eyes wide with shock. Alex's eyes were wide too, they'd probably been wide through the entire kiss. His lips were parted slightly and wet, and he blinked a couple times up at Aaron. They stood like that for another second, with Alex as stiff as a board and Aaron just starting to realize what a shit move he had made. Thankfully, Alex was too stunned to protest when Aaron ripped his wrists out of his grasp and stumbled backwards. He stumbled and fell off the roof and onto the balcony. He didn't waste a second before getting up and sprinting into the house through the still open glass door. 

He ran out of the room and skidded into the wall opposite of the doorway as he heard Alex jump down onto the balcony behind him. His whole body was overcome with dread and fear and self-loathing as he full on sprinted down the upstairs hall. 

“Burr! Stop, wait!” Alex yelled after him but Aaron said fuck that and took the stairs down two, three at a time. What had gotten into him? Why had he decided to throw away years of hard work suppressing his feelings for one guy? For a stupid crush? What was wrong with him? 

He pushed through the crowd, not bothering to apologize this time and tried to find his way towards the door. He could still hear Alex calling his name from the staircase, but he didn't dare look back. Keep your head down, don't stop running. Be as small as you can, become invisible.

Someone grabbed his arm.

“Burr! There you are!” John pulled him backwards to where he and Maria were standing together. “Where have you-”

“No, I’m sorry, I-I have to go.” Aaron pulled away as he turned and saw Alex reaching the bottom of the stairs. Their eyes locked. 

“Aw, really? But they just broke out the Jell-O shots!” Maria pointed over to the kitchen but Aaron didn't even bother to look.

“Burr! Godammit, just wait!” Alex's voice rang out of the crowd of students, and everyone sort of paused to see what was happening. His voice always did that to crowds. Maria and John looked over at Alex quizzically and while they were distracted, Aaron made a break for it. He shoved through the crowd and made it to the door, where he threw it open and ran out into the cold before slamming it shut behind him.

 

It was late when there was a knock at James’ door. He ignored it as Thomas tightened his arms around his waist and mumbled something. A few more seconds passed, then more knocking, this time it was more frantic, louder. James sighed and rolled over in bed, earning a whine from his boyfriend. 

“James, ignore them. They'll go away.”

James sat up in bed and rubbed his eyes as another series of knocks came through the door, agitated and fast paced. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and blearily stumbled through their dorm to the front door. He reached the door and unlocked it with a yawn. 

The light from the hallway flooded into the dorm as Aaron pushed his way in, nearly knocking James down along the way. James looked at him strangely as he rushed over and flopped down on their couch, his face in his hands. 

“Aaron? Are you okay?” James flicked on the lights as he closed the door and walked over to his friend.

“I fucked up. I fucked up bad, James.”

“You better have a damn good reason for being here this late.” Thomas grumbled as he came into the living room in his pajama pants, squinting in the light.

“I did something bad, I can't go back to my dorm.” Aaron rubbed his hands over his face, knowing he was making no sense and that they were probably going to kick him out. James and Thomas shared a suspicious look. 

“How bad?” James asked, sitting down carefully next to Aaron.

“Did you kill someone?” Thomas whispered and James shot him a glare, but the glare turned to a worried frown when Aaron didn't respond immediately. “Holy shit, Burr. Did you kill Hamilton. Oh my God, I knew this would happen!”

“No, I didn't kill him, for the love of God!” Aaron looked at him like he was crazy, and Thomas shrugged, looking a little disappointed. Aaron sighed and hung his head. “....I kissed him.”

“I’m…” Aaron missed the confused look James threw at Thomas. “I'm sorry, what?”

“I _kissed_ him.” Aaron repeated louder and sat up this time, flopping back into the couch and sighing loudly. 

“Ew.” Thomas said after a moment, appalled. “You...ew, Burr. Oh my God, I didn't think you'd stoop that low.”

“Thomas.” James hissed warningly and then softened when he turned to Aaron. “When?”

“Tonight. At the party.” He mumbled, his eyes closed.

“Wait, like, on the mouth?” Thomas folded his arms over his chest and looked at him curiously.

“Yes.”

“Voluntarily?” 

“ _Yes_ , Thomas.” 

“But….why?” 

“I don't know! I don't know, that's the problem!” Aaron stood up abruptly and began pacing around their dorm room, groaning into his hands. “I-I just couldn't stop myself he was just so close and pretty and I just-”

“We’re talking about the same person, right?” 

“Thomas, please be nice.” James rolled his eyes and then shifted a little on the couch. “He's not that bad looking.”

Thomas stared at his boyfriend in disbelief as Aaron threw his hands up. “Thank you!”

“So, hold on, James rubbed at his eyes and yawned. “So what's the problem again?”

“Well, I kissed him and I don't think he liked it. So then I kinda panicked and ran. And now I’m pretty sure he gonna tell everyone that I kissed him, and my uncle will find out, and he'll take my tuition away and-”

“Aaron, calm down.” James got up and guided Aaron back over to the couch. “Why would he tell everyone?”

“Cause he hates me. And I'm eighty percent sure he's with Laurens anyway.” Aaron sighed, his heart breaking a little as he sunk back into the couch. He reached down and tugged his shoes off before bringing his knees up to his chest and hugging them. 

“Well I don't know about the Laurens thing, but I don't think he hates you.” James sighed and patted his shoulder reassuringly.

“How do you know?”

“Burr, come on, you can't be that oblivious. He practically eye-fucks you from across the room every day in Politics. Even Washington sees it.” Thomas rolled his eyes as he leaned against the wall.

“No. No way. Not possible.” Aaron shook his head after a moment. He would have noticed if that were true. He missed the shared eyeroll that passed between his two friends. 

“Aaron, I seriously don't think he'll tell anyone. He might be an asshole, but he's not a complete douche.” James rubbed his eyes to keep himself awake. “If you ran, he’ll assume you're not out yet. Like I said, he's an ass and I don't like him, but I know he would never out someone without their consent.”

“But then again, he's Hamilton, so…”

“Thomas, darling, just go back to bed.” James sighed and Thomas smiled before turning and heading into their bedroom without a fight. 

“Can I spend the night here?” Aaron looked up at him pleadingly, and James sighed. “Please? I swear I’ll be gone in the morning. I just...I don't want to talk to him just yet. I will but...not yet.”

“Alright, yeah you can stay.” James gave in after a moment, taking pity on his friend's condition. He went to get Aaron a blanket, tossed it to him, and then flicked off the lights and went to bed.

He pulled back the covers and crawled in next to Thomas, and his boyfriend opened his arms to let James curl in close. 

“Y’know, sometimes, I really do feel bad for that poor bastard.” He mumbled as he wrapped his arms around James’ shoulders.

“Yeah, he's got it rough, doesn't he?”

Aaron stared up at the ceiling for a long time in the darkness, listening to the sounds of the city at night and the clock ticking on the wall. He raised his hand slowly and touched two fingers to his lips, his mind still reminiscing the kiss on the rooftop. A slow smile spread across his face as he lowered his hand to his chest, where he felt his heart beating at hyper speed in his chest. He had dreamed about being in a relationship with Alexander before. He'd dreamed about waking up next to his face, his hair sticking up in places like it always did in the morning and his smile still deliriously groggy. He'd dreamed about being proud of who he was and kissing Alex in public and holding his hand and being a good person for him. He'd dreamed about a different life where his parents had lived and they had raised Aaron and his sister in a much more loving, accepting house. 

But dreams were dreams.

Aaron's smile faded as his heart slowed and seemed to cave in his chest.

Dreams were dreams, and Aaron had to wake up.

He rolled over and buried his face in the couch and fell asleep.

 

When he woke up the next morning, it was to the smell of coffee. He rolled over as he yawned and looked around, momentarily forgetting where he was. But then the memories of the previous night flooded back into his head and he groaned aloud, putting his hands over his face to try and block the image of Alex’s shocked face out of his mind. 

“G'mornin'."

Aaron lifted his hands off his face and looked up to find Thomas leaning against the counter in the kitchenette with a mug of coffee. Aaron sat up fully and mumbled a greeting before throwing the blanket off of him and swinging his legs over the edge of the couch. He felt stiff all over and like he hadn't really rested enough, he could already feel a migraine forming behind his eyes. 

“James is out, but he'll be back soon. I made coffee if you wanted some.” Thomas held up an empty mug and raised an eyebrow, smiling when Aaron nodded vigorously. Aaron stood up and groaned before stretching and moving over to the kitchenette. 

“Hangover?” Thomas asked and looked at him quizzically as he poured the coffee. Aaron shook his head.

“Despite what you think, I didn't drink much at all last night.”

“Interesting. So you kissed him and you weren't even drunk. Hmm, are you sure you're not just a lightweight?” Thomas smirked, implying he was joking, as Aaron took the coffee mug and drank from it greedily. He let the caffeine seep into his veins and wake him up before he took a deep, invigorating breath and relaxed a little. 

They stood in the kitchen and drank their coffee in silence until Aaron looked down and found his mug empty. He huffed and set it down in the sink.

“Listen, Burr, I don't want to kick you out or anything but it's a Saturday and James and I kind of spend it by ourselves so…”

Aaron nodded, knowing he'd have to leave sooner or later. 

“I mean, I'd let you stay but I’m pretty sure you wouldn't want to hear us have rough anal sex so-”

“Okay Jesus, Thomas, I get it. I don't need the details.” Aaron rolled his eyes and cussed under his breath as Thomas laughed out loud. He smiled though once he was turned and moved over to his shoes that were laying by the couch. He was slipping them on when Thomas came over and sat down on the couch next to him.

“Listen, I really hope everything goes alright with Hamilton. Just stay away from the stupid bastard, y’know, it'll blow over.”

Aaron looked up at him, surprised, and Thomas offered a quick smile. “If he threatens to blackmail you then just call me up and I’ll beat the living shit out of him. You gave him the one thing he wanted, the money for his stupid club, so he owes it to you to keep quiet about what happened. Don't let him tell you otherwise.”

Aaron was silent for a moment, but he smiled gratefully. “Thank you, Thomas. That...means a lot to me.” 

“Ugh, yeah okay, don't get sappy with me, Burr.” Thomas grumbled and got up, moving into the kitchen quickly, making Aaron smile wider. 

“Thanks for letting me crash here. Have fun with your boyfriend.” He called as he walked over to the door.

“Oh, I definitely will. Have fun with yours.” 

Thomas smirked and laughed as Aaron flipped him off and left.

 

Their dorm room was quiet when Aaron entered it, and he couldn't decide if that was good or bad. He shut the door quietly and took a few steps into their dorm before looking around. The bathroom door opened, and Aaron spun around. 

“Where have you been?” Alex asked, his voice sounding slightly concerned. He approached Aaron slowly, and Aaron found himself backing away with each step Alex took. “How _dare_ you run away from me last night!”

Aaron knew this would happen. He knew Alex would be mad, he could see the anger in his eyes right now. He backed up until he hit the wall, and Alex kept moving towards him. 

“Hamilton, w-wait. Please, I-I can expl-"

Alex grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and instead of punching him, he yanked him forward and kissed him right on the mouth. Aaron jolted back against the wall and let out a noise of surprise as Alex kissed and kissed and kissed with surprising dedication. Aaron let his eyes flutter shut as Alex shoved him up against the wall and pressed his tongue against Aaron's lips. Their bodies were right on top of each other, and Aaron's heart was beating so loud he swore that Alex had to be hearing it. 

Alex pulled away after several long moments, and Aaron stumbled forward right into him, teetering drunkenly on his own two feet. Alexander stood back, panting and blinking rapidly. Aaron looked at him questionably, and Alex stared back at him with something like uncertainty in his eyes. Aaron's mouth still felt tingly with the sensation of being fiercely kissed, and he wanted that feeling to last forever. He watched the Adam's apple on Alex's throat bob as he swallowed. Alex placed his hands on Aaron's chest. Aaron looked down at Alex's hands as Alex pushed him back against the wall. He didn't want to stop this. He wanted what was about to happen. 

He framed Alex's face with his hands as he leaned up and kissed him again.

Aaron had never kissed a guy before. It felt _very_ nice. It felt very nice to have Alex's lips on his and hear the wet noises their mouths made as they moved. It felt very nice to have Alex's hands on his chest, right over his beating heart. It felt very nice to weave his hands back through Alex’s hair, something he'd wanted to do for so long but never really got the courage. Alex made a soft noise and pulled away suddenly, and Aaron was about to protest when Alex lifted one hand from his chest and used it to remove the bun in his hair. He shook his head wildly, letting the dark hair fall around his shoulders. Aaron ran his hands through it as Alexander sighed and leaned back up to kiss him. 

They kissed sweetly for a moment and then Alex’s tongue was swiping over Aaron's bottom lip and Aaron couldn't help the moan that escaped him. Alex moaned in response, and as soon as Aaron's mouth was open Alex wasted no time in sticking his tongue in. Aaron's hands were shaking as he moved them to Alex's hips, and he swore his heart stopped for a moment once their tongues slid against each other. Everything was starting to heat up, and with each passing second with Alex's tongue licking into his mouth, Aaron's heart rate got faster and faster. Alex pulled away again, but he kept his hands firm on Aaron's chest. Aaron sighed when he saw the state he was in, his cheeks were flushed pink and his eyes were glassy and his lips were wet and slightly parted. 

Alex swallowed thickly as he stepped in closer and pressed their hips together. Alex watched his face as Aaron's eyes fluttered shut and a moan escaped his lips. When Aaron opened his eyes, Alex was smirking at him. He tried to ignore the obvious bulge in Alex's pajama pants as he stepped back in and ground his hips a little harder against Aaron's. Aaron's fingers crept timidly beneath Alex's shirt, unsure if he was allowed to take things that far. However, Alex looked down at Aaron's hands slipping underneath his shirt, swallowed, and removed his hands from Aaron’s chest to grip the hem of his shirt. In one fluid motion, he ripped the shirt off over his head and threw it carelessly across the room.

He pressed back in and connected their mouths again as Aaron moved his hands to the small of Alex's bare back. As he bit down on Aaron's lip - which made him whine loudly - he also rocked his hips harder into Aaron's. The result made Aaron moan into his mouth and rake his nails down Alex's back. They continued to move like that for God knows how long, with Alex moving his hips in little circles against Aaron's and their kisses full of nothing but tongue and soft moans. Aaron's skin was burning up, and he swore they had to be steaming. Aaron found his hands roaming everywhere over Alex's upper body, everywhere he had wanted to put his hands for so damn long. 

After a while of just Alex moving his hips, Aaron arched his off the wall in time to meet Alex’s, and the resulting friction had them both moaning aloud. Aaron felt something burst inside of him, something he had been shoving down for so long. That thing burst and filled him with warmth, and his mind suddenly filled with ideas of what he would do to Alex. He broke away from the kiss, making Alex whine as he stumbled dizzily on his feet. Aaron weaved his hands back through Alex's hair and moved off the wall. Alex moved with him, all the while staring up at Aaron with a lovestruck look that made his heart swell. He kept staring up at Aaron even as he was pushed back into Aaron's bed and even as Aaron climbed on top of him. 

Aaron stilled for a moment as the two just stared at each other, and slowly, Alex brought his hands up to frame Aaron's face as he swallowed thickly. Aaron leaned down to connect their mouths softly, their lips simpering as they came together sensitively. Alex's hands eventually moved down Aaron's jaw, down his neck and stopped at his button up. He unbuttoned the first few buttons, exposing Aaron's bare chest and he moaned, completely wrecked. Aaron reached down and started to take off his belt as Alex's hands flew down the shirt, untucking and unbuttoning it. Alex slipped his hands under the fabric and onto his bare back. Once Aaron had his belt off he leaned down to connect his mouth to Alex's neck, biting the skin and letting himself become absorbed in the taste and the warmth.

“God.” Alex breathed out, his voice hoarse and low. He tilted his head back to give Aaron more access. “Yes. _Yes_ , keep going, th-that's so good, you're so good, so-”

Alex's rambling sentence broke off into a breathy moan of Aaron's name, and just the sound of it turned him on more than he wanted to admit. 

“I-I've never…” Aaron stopped when Alex arched his hips off the bed and pressed their groins together, unsure of whether or not he should admit this. It might kill the mood. “I've never...done this before.”

“Oh, that's okay.” Alex started speaking but his voice broke when Aaron bit the side of his neck. He kissed the area apologetically before letting his tongue swipe over the faint bruise. “I can teach you.” Alex laughed and then moaned as Aaron sucked at the spot right under his jaw. 

“I've seen them though.” Aaron whispered and then sat down directly on top of Alex's legs, straddling him. He sat up and gazed down at him, taking in the sight of his flushed figure. There was already sweat starting to bead on his forehead. 

“Seen what?” Alex smiled up at him and then reached up to grab the collar of his button up.

“The pornos.” He explained, and then flushed in embarrassment. Alex only smiled wider as he slid the button up off of him, exposing his shoulders and toned biceps. “Y’know, the guy on guy stuff?” 

“Yeah. I’m well acquainted with them.” Alex laughed as he finally pulled Aaron's shirt off all the way. He ran his hands gingerly down the muscles of his stomach, and Aaron sighed contentedly. Aaron leaned down and planted his forearms on either side of Alex's head. They stared at eachother for a minute or two, just taking in the features of each other’s faces, their lips only centimeters apart. 

“Are you going to let me take my pants off or…” Alex whispered playfully, his eyes straight up devilish. Aaron scowled at him but couldn't bite back his fond smile. 

“Not before I take off mine.” He whispered back, not knowing where the hell this side of him was coming from. Alexander smirked.

“Deal.”

Aaron kissed him again and then sat up and lifted himself from Alex's legs. Alex sat up too, squirming backwards until he hit the headboard. Aaron fumbled with the button and the zipper, managing to get them undone in a good enough amount of time. Alex watched him with a small smile on his face, his legs spread sinfully and invitingly wide. After managing to pull his jeans off, he pressed himself between Alex's legs and took his face in his hands. 

Alex wrapped his arms around Aaron's shoulders to pull him in closer as they kissed. Aaron let one hand slide all the way down Alex's back until his hand curled around the meat of Alex's ass. Alex moaned into his mouth and broke away to look down at their groins pressed together. They slowly squirmed their way into a laying down position, with Alexander’s legs wrapped tightly around Aaron's waist. Aaron's hands moved to the waistband of Alex’s pajama pants, and he slipped his fingers in to massage the meat of his hips.

“Hamilton, can I-”

“Alexander.” He interrupted quickly, and then swallowed. “Please, I like it when you call me Alexander.”

Aaron moaned out loud but complied. “Alexander,” he let his name roll smoothly off his tongue, watching the way it made Alex squirm and whimper. Shit, he really did like it when Aaron said his name. “Am I allowed to undress you, Alexander?”

Alex let out a breathy, broken moan, and Aaron swore it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever heard. He nodded frantically and even managed to mutter a ‘please’. Aaron smiled and leaned down to kiss him as he gripped the fabric of Alex's pants. Alex lifted his hips up off the bed to help Aaron strip him as they kissed with what was most likely too much tongue. Alex’s goatee was rubbing Aaron's skin raw by the time he managed to get Alex's pants all the way off. Alex watched, breathless as Aaron sat back to remove his own boxers, licking his lips as Aaron crawled back over him completely naked. 

The cold wind blew outside the window and over the city as the two of them shut themselves away from the world and their cramped dorm room filled with only the sound of their heavy breathing, soft moans of _yes_ and _go harder_ and _more_ , and the slick sound of skin on skin. 

 

Aaron reached down and pulled the blanket up tighter around the two of them, yawning and pulling Alex closer to him. 

“Jesus, it’s cold in here.” He muttered bitterly and heard Alex snort next to him. 

“You’re the one who’s too lazy to get up and crank the heat.” Alex mumbled sleepily and nestled his face deeper into the crook of his neck. 

“Well I don't see you jumping to your feet.” Aaron tilted his head to look down at him, and he both saw and felt Alex's lips stretch into a smile against his neck. 

“No, I’d much rather stay in bed with you.” 

Aaron sighed happily and turned his head back up to stare at the ceiling. “That was nice.” He whispered after a moment of blissful silence. Alex patted his still slightly sweaty chest. 

“What was? Me wanting to stay in bed with you or me fucking you?”

Aaron snorted and rolled his eyes. “Both.” 

Alex hummed in response, obviously pleased. “It was nice for me too, baby.”

Aaron felt his heart leap in his chest at the pet name. He'd always wanted one of those. He wanted to ask Alex if they were a thing now, but he didn't want to ruin the moment and jeopardize whatever little thing they had. He just wanted this. It's what he had always wanted. 

“Aaron, can I ask you something?”

Aaron had to refrain from cheering. He'd called him Aaron. No Burr, no unnecessary sir’s but just _Aaron._

“Yeah.”

“I...well it's not really a question.” He sat up suddenly and Aaron reached after him stupidly, wanting the warmth of his body back. “I want to talk about what happened last night.”

No. That was Aaron's immediate response in her mind. No, anything but that. Please let them just go back to lying there together in silence. He didn't want Alex to know about what a shitty life he really had. It would scare him away. Aaron sighed.

“Not now, Alex, I-”

“ _Yes_ now, Aaron. We have to talk about this. I need to know why you ran.” He paused and then planted his forearm on Aaron's chest to look at him. “I want to know why you almost jumped.”

“No, Alex, please don't-”

“Aaron, I know, okay, I know it's hard but please, let me just try and help!” 

“I wasn't going to! I swear I wasn't, I-I was just, I-...I wasn't gonna actually do it.” He whispered, wishing Alex hadn't seen him like that. He really wasn't going to actually do it, he didn't even know what had come over him last night.

“You looked pretty determined.” Alex whispered gently, and brushed his thumb over Aaron's cheek. Aaron sighed and turned towards him. Their eyes locked. 

“It just…” he shrugged, swallowed, then shrugged again. “It just gets to be...a lot sometimes you know?”

“I know-”

“And my uncle is always riding my ass about school and growing up with him was the worst, Alex and if he found out I was-...I mean, he's really conservative so-...and just, you know, if he found out I was…” he waved his hand in the air in frustration, trying to make the word come out.

“Gay?” Alex asked quietly, and Aaron sighed before nodding slowly. Alex rubbed his hand along his chest soothingly and kissed his cheek. “I'm so sorry, Aaron, I had-”

Aaron started talking. And he couldn't shut up.

He talked about the day his parents died when he was a toddler. He talked about moving into the little room in his grandparents house only for them to pass away in the living room three months later. He talked about his uncle reluctantly taking in the two of them. He talked about the days he would come home from school and his uncle would be passed out in the living room with a bottle of scotch in his hands. He talked about the way his sister would sigh and take his hand and pull him away upstairs. He talked about the one day in middle school he came home with a growing bruise on his cheek and a bloody nose he'd earned from a kid in the locker room who didn't like the way Aaron was looking at the shirtless boys. He talked about the way his uncle had smacked him on the back of the head, spat something along the lines of _‘I ain't raising no pansy.’_ , and then stood with a glass of whiskey as he watched Aaron hold a dish rag to his bloody nose. He talked about how his uncle was supplying him with a tuition right now, and if he even suspected that Aaron might be anything other than straight, he would take the tuition away and Aaron would be forced to drop out. 

When he finally forced himself to stop speaking, he rubbed his hands over his face and sighed. If Alex didn't think he was dysfunctional before, it had all gone out the window now. But instead of seeming scared away, he seemed empathetic.

“ _Shit,_ Aaron, oh my God. I'm so sorry, I had no idea.” He looked down at him and scooted in closer, trying to be comforting. Aaron welcomed it gladly, wrapping his arms around Alex's waist. “A person as amazing as you should never have to go through that.” 

Aaron snorted, shaking his head a little. “I'm not that amazing, really-”

“Shut up, Aaron. You're an amazing person who didn't deserve to be raised like that.” He rubbed his thumb along Aaron's cheekbone and smiled reassuringly. “And everything is going to be just fine. I promise.”

Aaron sighed and turned his head to the side to stare at Alex's bed across the room. He took Alex's hand in his and squeezed it. “You don't know that.” He whispered bitterly.

“No, I don't know that.” Alex sighed after a moment. “But I am going to try to make sure everything is going to be okay. I'm never going to leave you, alright?”

“Oh, that sounds very fun.” Aaron joked, smiling up at him. He hoped Alex knew he was joking, because he knew what Alex meant and the prospect of Alex never leaving him felt comforting. But there was still that little bit of doubt in his mind, that little voice that told Alex to take caution because this was a man who had lost nearly everyone he loved. “You might not want to never leave my side, that's probably not a good idea.”

“Or really? Why?” Alex smiled down at him, thinking Aaron was joking.

“Because something bad will happen.” 

“You don't know that.” Alex scrunched his nose up, mocking Aaron's tone from earlier. “Why do you say that?”

“That's what always happens.” Aaron shrugged as he looked up at him, and Alex's smile faded, and his features turned sad again. They stayed silent for a moment, but eventually Alex smiled again. 

“Well, you might be surprised to find out, but I am a one of a kind guy. I'm not like everyone else.”

“I’m serious, Alexander.”

“So am I.” Alex nodded but Aaron only shook his head before sitting up. Alex got off of him as his smile finally dropped at Aaron's seriousness. Aaron stared at him for several moments, trying to memorize the look of his face, trying to memorize what it was like to have Alex in his bed, trying to remember and memorize what it felt like to have Alex’s mouth on his. Because he'd never get to feel that again. “Aaron, honey, what's wrong?”

_‘Please don't call me that.’_

“I don't want you to get hurt.” He whispered and Alex's brow furrowed in confusion. 

“I won't get hurt.”

“Everyone I've ever loved is dead, Alex.” Aaron shook his head as he threw back the covers and started to get up. He hoped Alex didn't notice that he had basically just said he loved him. “I don't want that to happen to you.”

“But it won't!” Alex cried, and Aaron could hear the fear in his voice this time, and it broke Aaron's heart. “You have to stop looking back Aaron, you have to stop comparing what's happening now to what happened then.”

“I'm not looking back, Alex, I’m-” Aaron sighed as he pulled his boxers on and turned to look at Alex. “I’m just trying to protect someone I love.”

Alex closed his mouth and blinked a couple times. “You...you love me?” His voice cracked as he swung his legs over the side of the bed, and Aaron looked down.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

They stayed silent for a few moments, then the mattress shifted as Alex got up and moved slowly over to him. He put his hands on either side of Aaron's face and pulled his head up so they locked eyes. They stared for a moment before Alex leaned in and connected their mouths gently. They kissed for a long moment, and Aaron’s hands moved of their own accord to grip Alex’s bare hips. When they pulled away, Alex rested their foreheads together and looked at him.

“Listen to me, Aaron. I'm madly in love with you, and I always will be. I'm not going to get hurt, I promise, and even if I do it’ll be worth it if I get to love you. I’m not asking you to come out for me, I know that you can't do that because of your uncle. You don't have to be out for me to love you.”

“But you deserve someone who's just as proud as you are.” Aaron pulled him into his arms and rested his chin on top of Alex's head. “I can't give that to you.”

“That's alright. I think I have enough pride for the both of us. We don't have to be boyfriends just yet, Aaron.”

“But I _want_ to be boyfriends.”

Alex thought about this for a moment, then started speaking. “How about this. In public we’re just friends, just two roommates. But as soon as we're alone, we’re the sexiest goddamn boyfriends in the entire world.” Aaron laughed but Alex leaned back and took his face in his hands. “No one needs to know about us, Aaron. We don't have to be public to be happy. It can just be the two of us.”

“But won't that bother you? Won't it bother you to not hold my hand in public and kiss me in class?” Aaron brought his hands up to hold Alex's.

“A little. But you're already halfway done with your third year. Just another year and a half until you're finally away from him. You can make it, you're strong enough.”

“I don't know if _you_ can last that long.” Aaron laughed and smiled, and Alex rolled his eyes. “You're not a very patient person, babe.”

“For you, I’ll do it.” Alex brought his face down to kiss him again. “A year and a half in hiding is nothing compared to the rest of my life with you.” 

“God, I love you.” Aaron whispered and then pushed Alex back towards the bed. Alex crawled back in and Aaron got in right next to him before bringing Alex into his arms. Alex laid his head on Aaron's chest and hugged him tight.

“Just think of it Aaron, it's gonna be alright. We’ll sleep together in this bed every night and we can go on double dates with Hercules and Lafayette, but no one will know since it looks like we're all just friends. You can come to movie nights with the guys and they won't tell anyone about us so we can be ourselves with them. And over the summer we can drive far away from here, hell we’ll go all the way across the country if you want to, we'll Airbnb a place and it’ll just be the two of us. And after you've graduated we’ll buy an apartment somewhere and you’ll finally be away from your uncle, I’ll work two damn jobs if I have to to pay rent. And then after I’ve graduated, we can get married and we'll get a little place in Harlem. Everything will be just fine.”

Alex finally stopped and Aaron was silent for a minute or two, completely stunned. “Well, you've got it all figured it, don't you?” 

Alex nodded, looking slightly embarrassed. Aaron ran a hand through his hair and kissed the top of his head. 

“I’m sorry I ran from you last night.” 

“It's alright babe, I forgive you. Just as long as you don't do it again.”

Aaron laughed. “I don't think I'll be running from you anytime soon.”

 

 

“Aren't you supposed to carry me in?” 

Aaron looked over at Alex only to find him standing there with a stupid grin on his face. He had his backpack in his arms, and he looked so adolescent in his big black hoodie.

“You want me to carry you in?” Aaron fiddled with the keys to their apartment in his hand and smiled at him. Alex shrugged and turned to look at their new home. Apartment 416.

“I think it's kind of a tradition, isn't it?” 

Aaron sighed and rolled his eyes but adjusted the backpack straps on his shoulders and moved over to his boyfriend. He handed Alex the apartment keys before positioning one arm on Alex's back and the other behind his knees and hoisting him up bridal-style. Alex let out an overdramatic ‘woah!’ and reached out to unlock the door. He turned the key and pushed the door open, letting it swing wide so Aaron could step in.

The apartment was bigger than their dorm was, which was great, but it was still your cramped city apartment. The walls were a light gray color and the kitchenette and living space were in the same room. There was a hall over to the left that lead to a master bedroom and a full bathroom. Aaron sighed happily as Alex pulled the key from the lock and then shut the door. 

“ _Wow_.” He breathed and then smiled stupidly.

“It's actually pretty nice.” Alex muttered, his own small smile lighting up his features. He had been hesitant about the offer at first, but Aaron eventually convinced him they wouldn't get a better deal straight out of college. 

“Yeah. Very nice.” Aaron agreed and nodded. Alex looked at him and smiled before leaning in and kissing his boyfriend. 

“Come on.” Alex squeezed Aaron's shoulder and then flung his arm dramatically to the left to point down the hall. “To the bedroom!”

Aaron grinned and carried him down the hall to their bedroom, where he kicked open the door, earning a cheer from Alexander. 

“Oh shit, babe, look at that view!” Alex squirmed out of Aaron's grip, threw his backpack onto the bed and ran over to the window. The view was what sold Alex on this place. The perfect view of New York Harbor, complete with the sun shining off the water and the Statue of Liberty in the distance. 

“Damn.” Aaron said as he came to stand behind Alex. Alex turned away from the window to look around the room. They spent the next twenty minutes unloading all their stuff. They didn't have much, just their clothes a framed picture of Alex and Aaron on graduation day, and a few other necessities. After a little while, it started to look like their bedroom. Alex finished plugging his laptop into the wall and then he kicked off his shoes and flopped down onto the bed. Aaron smiled, admiring the picture of Alex kissing his cheek on graduation day before laying down on the bed next to his boyfriend.

After their agreement to only be a couple in private, things had gotten off to a smooth start. Alex would wake Aaron up every morning and make him coffee and kiss his cheek before they left for class and tell him however many months were left for graduation. Alex would pull him into empty bathrooms between class and they'd kiss, and that's how Aaron got through each day, practically relying on Alex's private kisses. They had gone up to his sister's house during the summer, and Aaron had shyly introduced Alex as his boyfriend - _“Oh, Aaron, he's so handsome! Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner? How long? How did you two meet? How is he in bed?”._ He'd pulled her aside and begged her not to tell their uncle, and she had reluctantly agreed to keep quiet. He'd survived the year and a half until graduation solely on private bathroom meetings, hands on thighs under tables, and curling up with each other after a stressful day. 

There had been fights too. Rough spots. There had been times where Aaron would have to sit quietly while people questioned Alex about the hickeys on his neck. They would guess it was Laurens or even Lafayette, and Aaron would have to hide the jealousy and sit through them silently. He had gotten good at hiding his emotions over the years, and luckily no one suspected a thing. There were things he wanted to yell at them, he wanted to tell the people that he hickeys were from _him_ ; Aaron Burr. He wanted to tell them that Alex belonged to him and that he was the only one who could get Alex all flushed and hard. He wanted to tell all the bartenders who flirted with him to _back the fuck up_ because Alex was his. 

The real surprise came on graduation day, when they held a graduation party for everyone that had graduated that year; Aaron, Hercules, Lafayette, Maria and her girlfriend, Eliza. Aaron's sister had come and pretended not to know who Alex was until they were introduced, God bless her. But then Aaron's uncle had shown up and he had pulled him aside, asked him if he had gotten an internship at a law firm yet. Aaron had told him no, he was going to figure everything out once he got into his apartment, and his uncle had responded with _“I don't like your tone, son.”_

_Aaron sighed and folded his arms across his chest._

_“What we agreed is that you would get an internship before you graduated so you'd have a job straight out of college.” His uncle looked down on him, his cold eyes piercing his skin._

_“Do you know how hard it is to get an internship at a law firm straight out of college?” Aaron looked around at the partygoers frantically before looking back at his uncle. And then the unthinkable had happened, and Alex came jogging up to him, to blinded by the pride of his boyfriend to think straight, not really understanding who this man was._

_“Babe, c’mon they've got the cake out!” Alex grabbed Aaron's arm and pulled, before he looked back at Aaron's uncle and all the color drained from his face. His uncle looked between the two of them for a moment and then at Aaron._

_“Excuse me? Who is this?”_

_While Alex stuttered for an apology and a believable excuse, all the while glancing at Aaron as if to say he was sorry, he didn't realize who his uncle was. But Aaron found he didn't quite care. He was angry at his uncle, how dare he make Alex apologize, how dare he make them hide what they had for a year and a half._

_“Uncle Tim,” Aaron grabbed Alex by the waist and yanked him close. His uncle gaped. “This is Alex. He's my boyfriend.”_

_Alex looked at him, shocked. His uncle's eyes narrowed. “You're not serious.”_

_And to prove it, Aaron turned, looked at Alex for a moment, and kissed him. He kissed him hard too, pulling Alex closer and groaning overdramatically as a big middle finger to his uncle. When they finally broke apart, Alex stumbled a little, then whistled in surprise. Every eye in the room was on them. Aaron's uncle was pale faced._

_“So for your information, no, I don't have an internship yet. I won't get one until Alex and I move into our apartment.”_

_“It's a great place, you should come visit sometime!” Alex wrapped his arms around Aaron's shoulders and rested his head on his chest, smiling innocently. His uncle stared at them wide eyed for another minute or two before fixing Aaron with a glare, turning on his heel and walking out of the room, slamming the door shut on the way._

_Alex turned back to him, took his face between his hands and kissed him again, taking their time with it just because they could now. He pulled away and smiled at him. “I’m so proud of you.”_

Alex turned his head to look at Aaron and smiled when he saw him staring. 

“What?”

Aaron shook his head fondly and shrugged. “Nothing. I just love you.”

Alex smiled. “I love you too. How do you like the place?” He threw his arms out and gestured to the room. 

“We’ll make it ours eventually.” Aaron moved closer to him and wrapped his arms around Alex's waist. 

“How do you like the bed?” Alex smirked and Aaron definitely knew where this was going. 

“I think we should test it out.” Aaron smiled, his hands moving to Alex's jeans. Alex grinned. 

“Me too.” 

 

Alex was already asleep in bed that night when an idea suddenly occurred to Aaron. He shook his boyfriend awake gently and looked down at him.

“Alex?”

“What? What is it?” Alex mumbled and opened his eyes, obviously irritated. 

“I have a question.”

“Yeah?” Alex yawned and laid back down, keeping his eyes open. “What is it?”

“How long have you loved me?”

“What?”

Aaron repeated the question, and Alex was silent at him for a long time. So long that Aaron thought he had fallen asleep. But then he breathed in deep and turned to him. 

“Ever since the night on the roof. At the party.” He mumbled and then smiled a little. “ _God_ , you looked so good at that party. The very second you kissed me my brain was like, yeah, he's the one.”

Aaron smiled and leaned down to kiss his forehead fondly.

“What about you?” Alex asked, and Aaron could hear the mischief in his voice. “How long have you loved me?”

Aaron thought about it for a moment, unsure if the response would weird Alex out. “Since I met you.”

Alex looked at him.

“...Really?” 

“Yeah.” Aaron said, laughing awkwardly. “The moment you grabbed my arm and I saw you I knew I….I loved you. And then you started speaking and if I hadn't bought I was in love before I was definitely in love then.”

Alex was silent for a while.

“So I win.” Aaron whispered jokingly, and then his smile was gone and his nerves came back. “Alex?”

Alex nodded, and then silently reached up and took his face in his hands. He brought Aaron's face down to meet his, and they kissed for a long time, only occasionally pulling away to breathe. After several minutes of sliding tongues, hands in Alex's hair, hands on Aaron's face, they both pulled away with kiss swollen lips and fast paced heart rates. 

“I love you, Aaron.” Alex spoke softly as he rolled Aaron onto his back and climbed on top of him. 

“I love you too.” Aaron smiled as Alex laid himself down on his chest and rested his ear over his beating heart. “I thought we already established that?” Alex's hair fell down and splayed over Aaron's chest, tickling his skin. 

“I know, but you always get happy when I say it and I wanted to see that beautiful smile again.” Alex's hands traced lazy patterns up the skin of Aaron's hips and sides. “I wish you had smiled more back then.”

Aaron hummed in response and muttered a ‘me too’. They stayed like that for a while, silent and still except for their steady breathing and beating hearts. As Aaron's hands ran his hands through Arxs hair he realized this was the happiest he'd ever been in his entire life.

There was a time where he fell into such a state of self loathing that he contemplated how his life would end. 

Now, there were times where he grew so happy he thought his heart would burst inside his chest. Those times were often whenever Alex and him spent the night together, laughing at stand up comedians on Netflix or eating Chinese takeout. The times happened whenever Alex’s friends held movie nights and Aaron would get to hold Alex in his arms as they dozed more than watching any movie. The times happened whenever it was three in the morning and Alex couldn't sleep so Aaron would hold his hand and they would just talk for hours on end about nothing in particular. The times happened whenever Alex told him he loved him or whenever Alex kissed him or whenever Alex looked at him in that way he did where he tilted his head to the side and squinted before smiling stupidly and shaking his head. 

Alex shifted slightly on Aaron's chest, sighing happily and turning his face deeper into Aaron's skin. Without thinking…

Aaron smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> This one is dedicated to my LGBTQIA+ readers/friends/family. You are valid and beautiful and loved and gorgeous hot DAMN you are stunning. Especially for those in the US like me, these next four years are going to be hell. But don't you DARE be afraid. You have an entire army of us behind you, and we are not going anywhere. In the name of our lord and savior, Lin Manuel Miranda, Love is Love and Love will win
> 
> <3
> 
> Come find me on Instagram!! @bikai.nsta


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